hurt like hell

my mind is in a huge mess.

my life is gonna be a mess too. sooner or later. or perhaps one of my feet is already inside the mess.

i really messed up.

but not that i don't see it coming. i always see things like this coming.

i just know myself well. too well. i know what i am capable of. what kind of things that i could do.

but i always in denial that as if i have another person in me, looking at me who're doing all these crap like i am a total different person. a stranger.

and my chest hurts like hell. literally and figuratively.

and definitely, i do believe that i will go to hell.

two things about men

firstly i think many men only think of themselves. that they only befriends u, or make u their gf so they can get something out of you

somehow i can tell if some jerks just want something from me is by taking away something they always get from me away from them. then i can see all the telltale signs of manipulation from them.

example, if mr. A always borrow money from me, then suddenly one day, i purposely lie and say i have no extra money to be lent away due to so and so, he suddenly becomes cold and hard to be reached.

mr. I always asked me out, relentlessly trying even after he got a ring on his finger and a baby in his bloody own oven. he knew me much as a friend, that he know how to manipulate me and my cuckoo little mind to his advantage. but with time, i've learnt. then he ask and ask again, via all kind of communication the human has invented, and each time i said no. he quickly buat2 busy, rather than continue to talk to me.

secondly some men are so stupid to even just be nice to people

as i mentioned earlier, i can tell if some guy only be around me is when i'm of any use to them. i could tell who would be asking me out, just to get some mode of transportation somewhere. some just want money. some just want companionship to fill up their pathethic lonely lives.

but somehow some of them are so stupid, that they dont even know how to even manipulate me. i mean, if u wanna get something, cant u just at least pretend or act to be nice.

in my life i have met some of these pathethic assholes who think highly of themselves, that they even forgot the golden rule of manipulating people - BE EXTRA FUCKING NICE>

oh what stupid jerks they are.

some of these stupid ones are just rude. or not nice. ade yg suke mengarah. i mean, like i am going to abide your order. silap lah. i'm not your servant or babu. not even you secrtary or PA. so..one time u do this kind of stupid move, u know there's no next time for to even try to manipulate me.

some of these stupid ones, just dont know how to amik hati at all. only know what they want, but dont even know how to be nice to ask for what they want.

some other.. well, let's put them as stupid ya amat, yg tk reti cover langsung. let's say, these ones, just straightforward stupid jerks, the kind who might say " jom buat baby" rather than "i love u" that makes u unsure whether u want to laugh or slap them. or both.

weird people huh.

maybe some day i will finally lose interest in men if i keep meeting weirdoes and jerks.

what do you look for?

what's the most important thing a girl look for in a guy?

..

for me?

i guess it's the comfort and joy of being able to converse and talk with.
without supressing the feeling of anger or pissed off.
or feel like i am being treated like a useless or like a dumb ass.
or a lesser being. or like i'm only a friend to be used to make one's life easy.
or whom you find only in the time of trouble or loneliness

but i want someone whose conversation will make me smile..
and let me think of my feet and speak my heart n thoughts
and even able agreeing to disagree
treating me as an equal. but accepting my shortcomings as a normal girl
and makes me feel fine being the person i am

because that will earn my respect. and with a well deserved respect, i will surrender myself and my pride and my life. and be devoted.

afterall, with age beauty fades, money will run out, and love alone is not enough.

i want to grow old with someone i can talk to.

...

and finding that guy whom i can talk with, with a kind heart, and not taken. or not listed under the ungrateful married bastards..it's never easy peasy. it's sad that the worst kind of men are always gifted with the gift of fine conversationist.

or if they're not married, they are the untouchables. or perhaps just someone you can only long and hope will feel the same, not just see you as only a friend whom they love to keep for life.

sometimes it's tough for always being the girl friend. not THE girlfriend.

Secret Life of Us

The Secret Life of Us was one of the soap i used to follow when i was back in the Downunder.

it was very real. very relevant to me, my life back then.


anyway, the bottom line is, like the series show, is that many people have a secret life lurking beneath what is seen on the surface.

i think i have.

they have.

do you?

.

but when your secret life is no longer secret, i think that spells trouble. most of the time.

kisah minggu ini

apparently what happened was, my ex boss didnt even push for a good performance review even at the office level discussion.


WHAT AN ASS.


and he got the guts to tell my new boss, that i did actually did things in my 4-page appeal justification.


again. WHAT AN ASS.


oh well, i should've known anyway. he's as ass as he could be. he wasn't much of a boss anyway. the absent boss. i guess he's my boss only when i need his signature for my letter or my travelling or training form.that's about it.


anyway, appeal has been submitted. then now so be it ;lah. at least some of those bugger who had to read through it just had to admit that i do bust my ass and am a damn good worker.

*************************

i take flights more than i take buses.

and i hate flying.huhu

and i hate the fact that i will always find something to buy.

and i hate the fact that my face will get all jerawat-ed and miang.eeee

seems like im going down to KL everyweek lately. got an urgent job to be completed. aaa aaa aaa.. not really my core.but it took up my time.

but on the brighter side, i get to learn a damn new thing. new process.know new people. and i get to work with a handsome guy too by courtesy from my brother Raymond.

ehekk..

owwh..sungguh la that's the perk of the week. he helped me doing the work. he's nice and he's nice to look at. and he's sweet. dan softspoken. n he's got a cool style.

perhaps he's nice because in a way i am a client, and he's the contractor. but somehow now that it's not really work that way due to some contractual issues on our side, he still doesn't mind helping me completing the task.

i laaaaike..

i like being around him. a nice person to work with. a nice person to befriend nevertheless. i like him regardless.

tapi... let's drool sket.. :P~~

hahaha. i'd love it if he stays around. my mr. perk of the weekv: u make my horrible working weeks seem a lot less sucky. hehe..

**********************

apparently, i think i would hv to say that, i am a problem-magnet. a gatal-guy magnet. apparently these problematic gatal guys, just had to be married, or at least taken. or else, the guy would be having something odd or off about him. which most of the time, i just tolerate it. but i am pretty sure, the same guy would be told off or even slapped off by my more normal friends. and someone somebody also observe that i always attract the "menyusahkan" kinda boy. the bully. let it be upfront big bully, emotional bully or even financial bully. well, let's add convenient-time bully.

i am a trouble inducing freak-magnet too? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

anyway i sat next to a miang old man on the flight just now.

aah traumatizing ok. especially when i am like so tired, and kept falling asleep.

i think maybe ppl shouldnt blame me if i do think hating men in general will help improve my life quality.

with the exception for few. like mr. perk up my week.haha. and a few others who doesnt cross my line

*********************

i gpt more to write..but i guess id like to rest. flying suxkkk

ye bace lah..bacee.. mcm aku kesah

aku rasa kompeni aku adelah kompeni yg paling bangang dlm dunia.begitu jugalah segala pemerintah yg duduk kt opis tu.. dan mungkin sebahagian besar pekerja2..termasuk aku gak..sbb aku bangang still stay kt kompeni fuuuuk itu walaupon aku sakit ati tahap sial semenjak 2 3 thn yg lampau.

aku rasa lepas ni aku tanak bagi any of my best for any of my work.

sebab tadak guna. kerana :

1. tak pernah dihargai. kerja cam nak mati.. konon set target2..tp at the end, kite meet ke tak meet ke.. kalau 7/9 KPI kau dpt 2 pon.. kalau pemerintah kerajaan langit tu dah buta, bersama2 menteri2 pencium bontot dia.. dapat 3 jugak.

2. dapat 3 juga adalah sama tarap dgn org yg tak wat kerje langsung kt opis tu. sebab merek2 ini tak pernah dibehentikan sebab pemerintah kerajaan dan menteri2nye takde guts nak justify makhluk2 perosak ini layak diberhentikan. sesungguhnye sumenye kecutt tooot toot.

3. aku rasa kalau nak berjaya, kite kene suke cium bontot2 pemerintah. kalau keje mcm nak mati..dah tayang muke pon, tp mereka tanak tengok jugak..mmg tiada gunanya. mungkin aku patut tunjuk cleavage goyang2 bontot depan mate diorang baru diorang nampak.

4. kalau mmg dah pemerintah tak suke kite..mmg kite akan menjadi makhluk halimunan. biarlah sampai ke sudah, kita tinggal sorang2 kat site menjaga kerje orang lain sampai legam2. sampai kontraktor lain yg keje dekat site bleh hapal nama kite betegur sapa mcm dah kawan 2 3 tahun. biarlah jugak kalau kite jugak yg kene kere belakang pintu mencuci tahik tinggalan orang lain seperti aktiviti meminjam barang dari org2 kerajaan negara lepas tu lengah2kan nak pulangkn. eh lepas tu kite pulak tibe2 yg kene take charge. tapi bila bahagian nak menayang muka bercerita psl kerje2 yg dibuat, tibe2 kite kene tendah ke tepi. mcm tak terlibat langsng. lagi bes, mcm kite ni sama tahap dengan badan bertanggungjwab yg tak pernah turun padang tu.ewah2 ..


5. walaupon kita dah menunjukkan ciri2 kepimpinan melalui menjadi organizer atau teaam leader itu dan ini, tapi kadangkala org yg kita tahu bile ade kerja2 awam di department yg perlu ketua, mereka ini sama ada terus lesap, atau hanya sekadar tinggal nama, tp kerja terpaksa di cover oleh kita, tapi mereka pulak dapat rating 2. amboi2 jantan2 zaman iniii. sekadar bagi presentation selalu2 kepada pemerintah kerajaan langit dan encik2 dan puan yes boss aje, tu kepimpinan ke? masa krisis tak penah jugak turun padang. takat presentation, info pun ntah2 dari org lain. woww! ini rupanya ciri2 kepimpinan yg dicari2 oleh kompeni. anggun! hebat!

secara kesimpulannya :

aku rasa mungkin utk mendapat perhatian..kalau tak dpt cium bontot, mungkin aktiviti seperti memberi sex favour lebih berhasil. ye lah mcm trend2 yg ditunjuk dikaca tv, di skrin movie itteww.. hah, mungkin2 tibe bukan dapat 2, 1 malahan rating 0! hebatnyee! ha ha.

aku bosan dan bengang. mintak transfer lah. bagus aku gi concentrate project yg aku buat dari scratch utk kompeni yg bagi aku pinjaman setengah juta rm ni. yelah, aku boleh tengo satu mende je sampai mati. walaupon ayat sterusnye ni berbunyik eksen bongkak dan bangga diri, ye mmg kalau project tu, kalau aku delete semua data yg ada pada aku, projek itu kene la cari manusia lain utk buat balik menatang2 itu dr scratch n back to square one. diorang yg kerje ngn aku jarang pon lagik hargai aku dari manusia2 pejabat aku skarang ni. padehal keje ngn diorang takde la selalu sgt. ni yg aku hari junjung titah perintah,

apa guna membakar bontot utk pejabat yg penuh keji. aku tau, ni sume politik opis je. tp frust la wehh. ada org yg kite tau layak dapat. takde hal. tp kalau kite kerje sampai sakit otak sakit jiwe, pon dapat sama rating dengan makhluk yg mmg takde buat amende langsung. gile tak bes., konon takde quota.apehal kerajaan langit ni.. sama je mentaliti dgn kerajaan negara. suke buat rakyat jelata mcm bodoh sangat la. deny2 mende nyata. cakap je laa terang, yeee situasinye mmg ada quota dong.

dah la give up ah

azam baru saya tahun kewangan tahun ini :

1. saya berazam utk datang ofis jam 8. stop kerja jam 4 utk berbual, dan ciow jam 430 setiap hari utk pergi bersukan. kerana bersukan lah satu2nye perkara yg membuatkan saya masih wara dan belum memotong urat saraf di pegelangan tangan saya apabile tekanan kerje berganda2 datang.

2. saya berazam utk menjauhkan diri dari sebarang aktiviti2 yg memerlukan kepimpinan seperti komiti hari sambutan bekaitan dgn kesihatan, selamat masa bekerja dan alam sekeliling. apatah lagi aktiviti keji yg bukan berkait dgn kerja.

3.saya berazam utk menjauhkan diri daripada kawasan kejadian krisis. kalau terpaksa pergi, saya perlu mengamalkan pekerjaan ala chipsmore.

4. saya berazam utk lebih banyak menganakonda tahun ini

5. saya berazam utk merealisasikan kempen 1 MC 1 bulan.

6. saya berazam utk pergi join semua aktiviti2 luar ofis y berkaitan dengan sukan walaupon clash dengan urusan kerja.kerja number 2, sukan number 1 kerana sukan = staying alive.

7. saya berazam utk mengambil kesempatan utk travel ke ibu negara selagi boleh. kalau boleh semua meeting, dan latihan dan kursus dan apa2 yg mungkin membolehkan saya selalu balik kampung. balik kampung = tidur sepanjang hari yg lena, tidak seperti di Miri.

8. saya berazam utk hamik je cuti utk pergi melancong tanpa pedulikan kerja.

9. saya berazam utk mengambil cuti tanpa gaji sekiranya saya dah rasa mcm nak tembak ketua kerajaan langit, para yes boss, serta pekerja2 lain dengan AK47 akibat rasa kegelian tahap gaban dgn aksi2 mereka di tpt kerja.

10. saya berazam untuk menyusahkan pekerjaan org lain tanpa perlu mempunyai mood yg tak baik.

11. saya berazam untuk memintak transfer drpd HR, jumpa mereka setiap 2 minggu supaya mereka muntah darah sampai rasa nak transferkan saya secepat mungkin.

12. saya berazam utk sentiasa membangkang keputusan2 yg saya rasa tidak rational daripada pemerintah2 di kompeni saya. lagi membangkang = lagi dibenci = cepat transfer.

14. saya berazam utk tidak mengisi komen dlm PPA system saya. cukup saya letak angka2 sahaja, keraja segala mcm bukti pekerjaan adalah tidak dihargai dan tidak perlu sekiranya saya bukan dalam hot list pemerintah kerajaan langit.

15. saya berazam, utk sentiasa berdoa segala mcm ketidak adilan dlm kompeni ini akan dibalas dgn sekeji2nya pada org2 yg menyalah guna kuasa, org yg tidak menggunakan kuasa dan hak org yg tidak menunaikan tanggungjawab mereke, org yg tidak adil, org yg menyusahkan idup org lain, org yg tidak reti berterima kasih.

begitulah azam saya. yg pasti, saya pasti dapat 3. berani la bagi 4. eleh merke kecuttt.. takde nye dpt 4. sedangkan org2 yg mcm short circuit sket,y g tak meet KPI langsung, n tatau ape kemende keje die kt opis tu pun dapat 3.

ah. mmg bukan rezeki aku. biar lah. tp aku tak suke ketidak adilan.

ah taknak senyum jugak. semua kesyilakaan dan ketidak adilan donia yg aku ckp td, buat aku sakit jiwa tahap aku rasa numb sampai nak buat mende2 keji utk lepas geram. aku tak suke laa..self destruct2 ni. tp at least aku takde nak rasa give up to live. cume aku rasa give up nak live as a good person and a damn good worker.

as i said, maybe in today's world, maybe a bj would help better than actual performance when it comes to dog eat dogs, political majority malay, kompeni world

my boring story for now.

the bloody blogger lost my entry i typed.

CEHHHHHHHH..

so i'll just sum today as, i had a nice saturday cooking for my friends. and asked the married guy no. 3 to stay away from me as i don't want to get any trouble with any angry wifey.

apparently he still try to send some funny stuff about friendship, teman etc etc.

what?? does he think i am gonna fall for those cheesy lines?

oh hellooo..i am not some stupid youngster yg akan feel so guilty to leave just because you're sad. come on, i do know that itchy men has always try to use this trick. im 27, and i have met too many bastardo that i am so immune to this trick.

stupid.

ahh..i really want to make a very crude mean comment about the level of thinking and education background and stuff like that. then again, men, regardless of their education can still act like that.

i think i've just gone from doesn't care to angry.

ok..let's go back to a positive not. let's think of something nice..

hmm...

hmmmmmmmmm...

aah..oh yeah. i went to KL on wednesday with Brother Raymond for our work stuff. and he did bribe me on a non-monetary basis. he let his hensem vendor to teman me for lunch.

nice eh..good looking guy, with impeccable manner. and is a sweet friendly guy.

new friend in Miri nanti. yeay!

ok..i am up again. haha!